My son recently had his 3rd birthday, and of course we threw him a party because we love to host parties and want Timmy to grow up being social as well. He and his friends had a great time exploring fire trucks and taking a tour at the local fire station.
Then we came back to our home for pizza, ice cream, and juice boxes.
Everything was pretty much what you’d expect at a kid’s birthday party.
Except I did the social faux pas of requesting that people not bring birthday gifts. Instead, I asked that people instead bring a present for the local children’s home.
And, if people wanted to get Timmy something for his birthday, we suggested that they should contribute to his 529 college savings account through GradSave instead of buying him another toy. Click here to open your own GradSave account.
The horror!!!
In This Post
Breaking Social Norms
Asking people to essentially give you money for something that you want (ie: money towards college) vs. something they want to give you (ie: horrible Christmas ties & sweaters or a toy that will break in a month) is generally frowned upon.
I know… it’s weird. Getting exactly what you want on your “special day” is less important than people getting you something that they think you want (and are often horribly wrong)… all because people are afraid of being honest and standing up for themselves.
Over the past few years, couples getting married have shifted away from asking for china to asking for cash to help pay for the wedding, the honeymoon, or to help start their life together. Here’s a great article from the NY Times on the subject.
Money is a touchy subject… almost moreso among friends and family than with total strangers. Nobody wants to talk about money, and certainly nobody wants you to know how much they make or how much they spent on your gift. I know I’ve been guilty of finding bargain buys that are great gifts, but probably cost far less than a friend spent on my gift.
Is that great shopping or a faux pas — meaning, should I have bought more to equal the “right gift amount”?
Maybe that’s why it is so taboo to ask for money rather than a gift?
Instantly, people know where they stand in the pecking order of gift giving… Johnny gave $10 while Betty gave $35. Resulting in… “Betty must like me more” or “Johnny must be having money problems” or “He’s a tightwad”.
Look, everyone has different financial means, so there should be no judging. Just be happy that people thought enough of you to give you a gift at all.
It’s the same thing with presents. As a parent, you know a ballpark figure what certain toys cost. So, you know if someone is being frugal or extravagant in their gift giving. Again… just be happy that the person is sharing your special day with you and consider the receipt of ANY gift a blessing, especially as many families struggle to regain footing coming out of the recession or are dealing with issues that you may not know about.
The Outcome
So, at the party, some people brought gifts specifically for the children’s home and some contributed to Timmy’s college fund with cash, online at GradSave, or with a written check. Others went the more traditional route and brought a gift for Timmy instead.
Even though we value saving for college far more than one more toy, we wouldn’t stop Timmy from experiencing the joy of opening a few birthday presents.
We’re going to keep a few of his gifts (he just LOVES puzzles right now), but will either find more of his existing toys to donate or will buy more toys ourselves to donate.
The Reactions
When parents would ask for suggestions for Timmy’s birthday present, I would mention the charity and GradSave options. Just about every parent I spoke to had positive things to say and wished that they had thought of it for their kids. Some even asked how they could set up their own GradSave account for their child.
Click here to open your own GradSave account.
If there were any parents that didn’t approve, none said anything to me. If they thought negatively, they probably attributed it to “There goes Lee again, being so financially-focused”. Like that’s a bad thing?!?!
Conclusion
Overall, we had a great party with friends and family. Timmy gained a few hundred extra dollars into his 529 Account through contributions via GradSave and opened some cool presents.
And, the children at a local children’s home will get some great new toys, which will be a valuable lesson for Timmy… there are many other boys and girls who aren’t as fortunate and can really benefit from our generosity.
If he learns this lesson and carries it through his life… as a parent, that will be the best present of all.
You bring up an interesting point. I recently received a mass email from a friend who wants money for her upcoming wedding vow renewal so they can go on a honeymoon they always wanted. I’m floored and a bit offended. I was not raised that it was appropriate to ever ask friends for money (translation: write me a check). HOWEVER, had they asked us to donate to charity in lieu of gifts, I would have had no problem with it.
I think your act was unselfish and gives back to the community and, ultimately, your son’s education. Brilliant. Selfish asking? Still not okay.
This is awesome! I was just having this conversation the other day with a friend who’s really into the minimalist lifestyle. I mentioned how I had few toys growing up and instead spent my time climbing trees and reading books – and how awesome of a childhood it was. When I have kids, the last thing I want is for them to have millions of toys and never use their imaginations. I too mentioned that I would want presents to go to a college savings plan – but the idea of donating toys is even better! I’m relieved to hear that your experiment was met with positivity and not frustration. Gives me hope that I can do the same someday when my husband and I have kids :).
Well, if you saw our house, one can hardly call our lifestyle minimalist. However, I agree with you. We have way too much stuff nowadays to the point where something that would have been amazing and received all our attention previously now just collects dust with a pile of other “amazing” toys. Probably has to do with the guilt we have as parents for working so much.
Regardless, there are so many people out there so much worse off than us, that we need to be human and charitable to make their lives a little happier. These are the types of lessons that I want to teach our son. He will never miss a handful of toys, but those toys could make a HUGE impact on another child’s life.
And with the 529, it may be considered taboo and uncouth to essentially ask for money… but if it means that my son will have a better college experience and smaller tuition bills, I’m all for it!